I am a writer. I cannot help but write. It has been so frustrating trying to find a way of processing my experience that doesn’t include writing publicly. Not only that, I really miss the questions and comments from this online community. It really helped me work through what I am going through.There can be no doubt about it, I consider not writing this blog a penance.
Nevertheless, I felt it would be appropriate to write a brief update on where I am for those who follow this blog. I am very thankful for all the sweet emails and new Facebook friends. I have really enjoyed peering into your lives, and pray for God’s blessing for you everyday.
Yes, I am still in formation. You will know if I ever am not, as this blog will be removed from the web in that circumstance. Our class is running a little bit longer than most, so we are still about three and a half years from ordination. (Personally, I think we are running long because I’m not all that bright, but they are charitable enough to tell me it’s because of administrative stuff) If nothing else, I am certainly learning patience.
My biggest challenge has been one of worth. I know that no one can be worthy or God’s blessings, but in my own eyes, I feel incredibly unworthy. I don’t know, I guess I had hoped that this formation process would make me a better person somehow, and when I look in the mirror, I am still shocked by the glaring faults that look back at me.
The loss of my father in law has been the hallmark moment of this year. He was a very dear friend, and I pray for him every day, even now. While it has been very hard not listening to his Santa Claus-like laugh, he gave me a great gift with his passing. He let me know that I really believe all I say I believe. I was actually happy he had died, because I knew what kind of man he was, and I could not help but feel his moment of triumph. I don’t know that I really had any proof of my faith that would pass my interior eyes until he gave me this gift. Thanks to him, I finally know I am not (entirely) full of crap.
Just for you to know, it’s driving me crazy to not comment on Benedict’s resignation and the eminent conclave. Absolutely bonkers.
So there you are, brief update. Just to let you know I’m not dead or anything.