Category Archives: Funny

Top 10 Reasons to be Catholic.

10. You’ll look great. Okay, maybe not, but everything else will look better. Catholics are by nature sensual people, we are cool with things being pretty and smelling nice. We like statues, paintings, incense and good music. Even better, our churches usually reflect this, making Catholic churches some of the absolute best places to sit back, relax, and be in the presence of the almighty.

9. You don’t have to sing. Maybe you should, but nobody ever got mad at a Catholic for not singing.

8. You get to be married for life. It makes marriage way, way easier if you know you have no way out. Hmm, things are rough right now, what are my options? I could leave and be alone for the rest of my life, wishing I had somebody to snuggle with and laugh at my stupid jokes, or I could just figure this thing out and stick around. Not a tough choice.

7. You get to have lots of kids. These things are great at taking care of you when you get old. Not only that, but you can train them to do dishes and yard work. You get to sit back and relax while everything is taken care of. “I’m thirsty, go get me something cold out of the fridge!” Yup, I use that one everyday. Personal servants are awesome.

6. No matter where you are, you are home. Seriously, I can walk into any community in the world, say I’m Catholic, and they are like, “Oh, your friends are down on third street.” And they really are. Here I am in some strange town I’ve never been in before, and I just walk into the church like I own the place. Nobody stares at me, they are just, “Don’t mind him, he cool. He’s family.” Dang right I am. Chances are, if I open my mouth and talk to anyone, someone will take me out to lunch too. Sweet.

5. Our clergy have some seriously funky style. Oh yea, where else can a grown man wear a big pink cloak over his head and pull it off? Oh, they’ll call it a ‘chasuble’, or some other fancy Catholic word, but yea, it is a fancy embroidered poncho. He looks good in it too. Not only that, but the whole place changes color all the time, and the clergy can even accessorize, picking out matching clothes. It just looks good.

4. You can tell the priest just about anything, and he can’t tell anybody else. I don’t know about you, but I do some pretty dumb stuff. It’s nice to get that off my chest without broadcasting it to the world.

3. You get to be older than everybody else. I can’t tell you how many times someone has come up with some great idea, only to have me say, “Oh yea, we have been dying to protect that for about 2000 years.” Sorry, that never gets old. It gets even better when it’s an old heresy, but they think it’s a new idea.

2. We have a pope. Seriously, who could be cooler than the pope? I mean we call him “Your Holiness”! I don’t know about you, but that is a pretty darn cool way to say hello. Not only that, but the guy is always in white. All white just makes you look good. I wore a white tux to my prom in high school. It didn’t look as good on me as it does on the pope. The best thing is, he always has a cool name. JPII. Pius. Benedict. Man, I’m changing my name to Maximus or something.

1. Christ is here. Seriously, I mean right here. Christ stands at the center of every Catholic church both spiritually and physically. God is here, just chillin, waiting for you to stop by and say hello. All levity aside, that is seriously the single best reason to stick around. Where Christ is, that’s where I want to be.

 

A Night Without Kids

My youngest daughter’s best friend had a birthday party last night, and being the prepubecent bundle of hormones that they are, they decided the best thing to do would be have a sleepover. So both my daughters were gone all night.

We were alone.

Party Time! Bust out the drinks and the dancing, it’s time to hit the clubs!

Well, at least that is what I was thinking in my head, but here’s how it actually played out.

First I picked up honey at work for lunch and took her to her favorite (but inexpensive) Chinese restaurant. While we had a great time, it was hardly romantic as the second we walked in, we saw some other folks she knows from work. As one of them was sitting alone, we invited him to sit with us and I got to sit there and listen to them talk about work.

Okay, I’m cool with that, I’ve got all night.

So later that evening she gets home, and after the hour long download of her day, I am finally allowed to speak, and suggest my Wild Disco Clubbing idea.

Shot down immediately, but I’m not phased.

So I suggest an evening stroll on the beach with a few suggestive hints as to where that could end. Hmm, that’s not happening either it seems.

She suggests the mall to look at stuff for the house we currently in escrow for.

The mall. How romantic. Okay, sure honey.

So off to the mall, she gets nachos, I get Subway, and away we go. Now I have a plan here. I’m going to make the best of this, so I spend the whole time teasing her and making rude suggestive comments. (What can I say, I’m a man, and my wife is beautiful) Now I’m not getting slapped, so I figure I’ll just keep going.

We went into this fancy bohemian furniture store, and this place is just awful. There is nothing in here that even remotly pleases me. It’s like some cross between a gypsy camp, an eighties nightclub, and a wicker revival. So I am naturally not all that interested. Then it happens. I hear Disco. Oh man, I love me some Disco.

So I’m walking around the store sporting all my best Disco moves while singing along to her across the aisles. The folks who work there are just snickering, but I don’t really care, I want to snicker at them for not shaking their tush a little. My wife of course is embarrassed and beginning to turn a lovely shade of beets. With disdain, she decided to remove me from the Disco. Sadness follows.

More shopping follows as my wife keeps asking me questions about what kind of style furniture I like. At some point she has an epiphany, I really don’t like any of her choices. I try to explain to her that it isn’t true, I really do like them, they just aren’t my favorite, but this is not getting me any points. Then in a typical moment of brilliance, I come up with the 1-10 scale. I let her know her stuff is an 8, and an 8 is a great compromise. She seems fine, but this will preoccupy the rest of the evenings conversation.

Off to home, and here’s where things get really sexy. (Children might want to cover their eyes!)

She goes off to the living room to work on her cross-stitch, and I head back to my office to finish up some extra work. We spend the next four or five hours doing just this. Every now and then one of us wants a snack, or has to get up to go to the bathroom, but here we are finally alone, and we are both in separate rooms, doing our own thing. I would have allowed the kids to see this, but I would hate for them to realize we are so boring.

(Okay kids, you can uncover your eyes now)

And there was our big night on the town. To be honest, I had the time of my life. Nothing beats just being with my wife, it’s pretty dang awesome.

(The night of course got far more awesome, but I don’t kiss and tell…)

A side note, I really do love Disco, and we lost one of the greats this week. God speed Donna Summer, I pray the Lord has Disco in heaven, and that we can shake our fannys with joy together when we get there.

Why Do You Visit My Blog?

I have a rather silly little hobby. Whenever I remember to sit down and write a post, I take a look at who visited my site, and I try to figure out why they came. I think it’s really rather funny.

So I thought for today, I’d share with you the information I gleaned from yesterday.

Yesterday was a good day volume-wise. I had 237 folks take a look. They promptly realized that I am a terrible writer, so 75% of them said “Forget this, I’m off to other things.” Well, I can’t hold the attention of my daughters for 2 minutes, so I can hardly expect to hold anyone else’s for that long.

Here is where the fun starts. Where did they come from?

Well, most of my traffic yesterday came from the support of other great bloggers throwing my links and posts up, but there is always a ton from the good old search engines, especially Google. So what did they search for that brought them here?

Well, ten folks were just interested in “four leaf clovers”. I guess that just makes me lucky.

I have one here who was interested in “methods for washing feet”. Phew, glad I don’t have that problem, hope I helped.

“How to decorate a dead tree” I have always wanted to get into exterior design, maybe I missed my calling.

“4 Yaprakli Yonca” I have no idea what this is, but it brought them here. I bet they were just thrilled to land on my blog.

I think I am using my Nazi = Abortion metaphor too much, as someone looking for “Nazis killing Jews” found their way here. I’m sure to be entered into some white supremacy blacklist soon.

“Love Handshake” I’m not sure this site really has what you are looking for…..

“Should Not.” Really? That brought you here? How?

Now I just love that the internet thinks of me when it thinks of “Boys in the mud.”

Now here I have to be careful. I really don’t want people to get the wrong idea when they “Put kids in the closet.”

“You’re such a deacon” Makes it sound like a really nasty thing doesn’t it?

“Gift idea for someone who is ordained as a deacon in the catholic church” Oh man, I should put in some recommendations for this one. I’m thinking they would just love a years supply of pizza.

“How to make a blanket mattress fort” I didn’t even realize anyone knew about my secret childhood passion.

“How to bi locate” Don’t worry my friend, I will be giving lessons at some point for the low, low price of $99.95. Results not guaranteed.

Mr Know it All, My Hero

And my personal favorite, because they finally found who they were looking for, “Know it all person.”

 

Satan Shaved His Beard

Of course he did. That’s what evil does. It takes the goodness that God has created, and twists and perverts it.

Okay, now this theory might just be my silliness going crazy, but then, I might just be right. So take this with a grain of salt, or maybe a jar of salt, take it as humor, or take it as self glorification. Or maybe I’m really on to something here…

For a man, to have a beard is his natural state. Leave him alone in the woods for just a few days, and it is nearly magical how God will transform him. God just loves beards on men. (It was His idea, after all!)

Modern culture doesn’t like beards so much, have you ever wondered why? Personally, I think it’s a plot of Satan himself.

Now I’m not going to put this plot on the same level as his desire to keep you in sin, or his desire to damn all humanity, but I do think it’s part of his bigger plan. It doesn’t end with beards either, it’s way bigger than that. But I have to start somewhere to really explain this, and beards are just so handsome that it seemed the proper place.

In “The Screwtape Letters”, a brilliant book describing the methods and mentalities of devils and tempters written by C.S.Lewis, there is a short idea he throws in for a moment that has always set me on edge, made me just a bit more than leery of fashion in general. The basic idea is this: Satan uses his “best” tempters to work on the minds of the few who are in control of art, music and fashion. Why would he do such a thing? Why not work on politicians who can do more harm? To create dissatisfaction.

This is where the intellect of Lewis just shines. Satan, by focusing his energy on creating a physical ideal that is unreachable by most, makes everyone feel ugly, and see uglyness in everyone else. No one is happy and satisfied with the way God made them. Everyone is too fat, everyone is too short, women should look like they are still seventeen, and men should look like Atlas. Of course, having a beautiful, natural beard is simply out of the question.

If you think I am exaggerating, turn on your TV and count the beards. How many newscasters for example have you seen with a full beard? How many romantic heroes in film resemble ZZ Top? I’ve even heard it said of men who wear their facial hair natural are men who are sinister, or have something to hide. Bearded men are more likely to be associated with the unabomber than with Saint Peter. The Devil is one tricky fellow if he has so completely fooled humanity.

See how Satan did that? He took a good thing that God created, and made it unfashionable. To put it another way, God gave most women big hips, not just because they are feminine and sexy, but because they help to facilitate the bearing of children. Fashion however wants you to be thin as a rail. Another example, most women should be a little heavy, where do you think the calories that build little babies comes from? Fifteen pounds overweight should be sexy, I mean after all, what could be sexier than being ready to have a baby? But fashion says that’s ugly. So here you are, really into a man, and you naturally gain fifteen pounds because your body is naturally getting you ready, and instead of your fiance becoming more into you, he becomes less. Satan may be evil, but he is brilliant. (By the way, you’ll notice that I just said that getting ready to have a baby defines sexy. One of these days, I’ll prove it to you!)

Never forget that the prime man Himself, the Son of Man, Our Lord sported a beard. I cannot even imagine a clean shaved Jesus, the very thought is insulting. Manliness in perfection clearly had a beard. All the apostles too had beards, down to the very last one.  The persecuting Romans? Clean shaven.

Now I must take a step backwards. I know you are probably really excited to start growing that baby out, but you might want to hold on for just a second. Realize that this mental dislike of beards runs deep. If you are married, you might just feel that your lovely wife should just like you with a beard, but you have to remember that she has been deceived for so long, that it’s in her blood to not like them. Try it out by all means, but if she’s not down with it, well, I prefer to cuddle at night than sleep on the front door mat, if you catch my drift. I know this is shocking, but somethings are simply more important than having a beard.

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Bad Pews

My church is simply amazing to behold. In a world full of parish churches that often look like sporting arenas or conference centers, I have the good fortune to spend my worship time in one of the single most beautiful churches I have ever seen. It is a monument to the Victorian style, built in the 1800’s, with all the gingerbread and classical amenities that you could wish for. Beautiful marblesque altar, vaulted ceilings, hand painted walls, an unbelievable rederos behind the altar, and massive gold candlesticks adorn this lovely, wooden building. It has been taken care of for generations, and the time and effort that goes into maintaining such a beauty is self evident.

Except for comfortable seating. Our pews sure do look nice, but when it comes to having to sit in them, I would prefer to sit on a bundle of firewood.

I’m not exaggerating, I really would rather sit on a bundle of firewood. They are just the wrong height, so shallow that my entire tush doesn’t fit, and the angle of the pew hits a nerve in my leg that makes my legs bounce up and down uncontrollably.

Pews are of course a rather new phenomenon, an invention that we took from the protestants, and made our own. If you have ever been to one of the older cathedrals in Europe, then you will remember how dinky and out of place the pews seemed, and you would be right. They were added much later as pews become the norm. For a thousand years and more, we would simply stand in a group, milling about. Kids would weave between family and friends, people who knew each other would naturally congregate together, young children would be lifted up so they could see. Elderly folks might bring a stool.

Needless to say, our orderly plod of pews emptying one by one for communion was unheard of, folks would just walk up and kneel at the communion rail, and the priest would weave back and forth distributing the Eucharist. When you had received, you would move away to let someone else in the crowd take your place. (I think my parish would riot if just one person was out of order, this situation would inspire madness to my entire congregation!)

I’m not necessarily advocating a return to this practice, but in honesty, I would prefer it to having sit in our pews. They are just that bad. I would put up with having to kneel on stone, it would be worth it. When First Communion or Confirmation comes around, I cringe knowing that I will have to sit in them longer than normal. This is such a shame, as these are always my favorite Masses.

I think this is one of the reasons why I love to volunteer in our liturgies. When I am reading or assisting the priest as an extraordinary minister, that is one moment less that I must endure the torture. You might think I’m just being silly, but seriously, many people bring themselves a pad to sit on.

So for all you folks with comfortable pews and padded seats, know that I am seething with jealousy, just praying that one day we too might obtain the elusive “comfy chairs”. Lean back and enjoy the feeling of the cushions on your back and really appreciate them. Remember that there are less fortunate people in the world then yourselves, and be thankful for the gift you have received.

As for me, I guess I’ll just have to offer it up.