Category Archives: Funny

Bumper Stickers

I have grown to hate them. I know they are not what taught the American public to think in sound bytes, but they are it’s worst reality.

Of course the political ones are rather annoying. Yes, schools are important, and bombers are expensive, but I think it’s a bit ridiculous to expect the Army to put on bake sales.

 

Yes, I know that logging is an important industry and you are frustrated by environmentalists, but “Earth First, We’ll Log the Other Planets Later” is a little too rough, don’t you think?

But these are nothing to the latest bash I have seen recently

I mean seriously, do you really want to put these on your car? You know that everyone driving past you are going to have to read these right? You know that this includes children? I just don’t think it is anywhere near appropriate for me to have to explain these to kids. To tell the truth, I hate repeating them here, but I have to explore the degradation somehow.

In fact, I really can’t list the bad ones. You’ll have to do with the moderately bad, and imagine them much worse. I refuse to allow some things to come out of my mouth, or get typed from my hands.

I suppose that I should start off with why this suddenly set me off. I was driving home today, and my daughter goes, “Ewww!” I of course ask what is wrong, and she won’t tell me. (She is a good girl, and knows there are things that shouldn’t come out of her mouth either!) So she points at a truck parked nearby, and on the back window, in letters two feet tall it reads, “Show me your tits”. Seriously, like a huge billboard. Aren’t there laws against such indecency? If not, there should be.

So without further ado, some bumper stickers to boil your blood.

“I am not an alcoholic, I’m a Drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.” 
Great to know. Thanks.
“Take revenge, Sh– on a pidgin.” 
Brilliant thought, thanks for sharing.
“Take your ex out tonight, one bullet ought to do it.” 
Hmm, wonder why you aren’t together anymore.
“Breast inspector ahead, please have them out.” 
I’m so surprised you can’t get a date.
“Lost your cat? Look under my tires.” 
Truly funny. Have you thought of doing stand up?
“Jesus loves you, but I’m his favorite.” 
Well, I think we might have missed the point on that one.
“Be kind to animals, don’t eat them.” 
But slaughter defenseless plants with glee. Unless they are trees.
“Lord, help me to be the person my dog thinks I am.” 
I have no witty comment for this one.
“My other car is a broom.” 
Wow, I can see why you are using this one then.
“Keep your laws off my body.” 
Which ones? Domestic violence or the right to medical care?
“Reality is for people who lack imagination.” 
And imagination is for people who lack reality.

“The only Bush I trust is my own.” 
Lord, I don’t even want to think about this.
“I brake for hookers.” 
No wonder your car is so beat up, you must be broke.
“Horn broke, watch for finger.”
I bet you are pleasant at parties.
“Intolerance will not be tolerated.”
Clearly missed his logic classes.
“I’m only speeding ’cause I really have to sh–” 
Let’s put that one in the TMI file.
“Objects in my mirror are dumber then they appear.” 
You got that right buddy.

I could do this all day long, this thinking in bumper sticker language is strangely addicting. I better stop now before I go into t-shirts.

Seriously though, I really only chose the tame ones without any really bad language. I am used to being shocked when I watch TV, and am still becoming accustomed to being shocked as I drive.

Okay, I can’t help it, one more, my absolute favorite.

If you can read this, turn me over
 
In case you are wondering, I do have a bumper sticker.
It says “Catholic Radio, 1400am”.

Lawns are Stupid

It’s not so much that I hate grass, I am rather indifferent to grass in general. It is very pleasant for a green, living carpet if that’s your kind of thing.

What I truly dislike is yard work.

I know what you are thinking. “Nobody likes yard work Dance, it’s just what has to be done to make your house look nice.”

No. It does not “have to be done.” Lawns are stupid.

Now I’ll be the first to admit that I know people who actually like this sort of thing. Their idea of a great day is getting out there, planting flowers and shrubberies and messing around in the dirt with their fancy flower laced gloves. I respect that. I am also fully aware that there are plenty of people who actually enjoy the labor of cleaning up their land, felling trees and running tractors like farmer John. That’s fine, whatever floats your boat is fine by me.

Why does that need to imply that I must have my yard look tidy? So you care enough about your curb appeal to work on it, so what? I don’t. I’d rather go for a walk, or a hike or pick my nose or any other myriad of things. I don’t want to mow my lawn and trim my hedges. It’s not fun at all.

Here’s what is even more frustrating. I like my grass long. Very long. Waist high. When I was a kid, I used to love running through the open countryside through the tall grass. I love the smell of it, the critters scurrying underfoot, the way the wind plays across the field. I think it’s far prettier than your silly green carpets.

I like dandelions too. (Gasp!)

In fact, I don’t just think lawns are silly. I think they are stupid. They feel so industrial, all cut the exact same height. It’s like a desert of mutilated grass stalks. I bet they cry. Do you feel like butcher with green grass blood all over your shoes?

I know that this is silly to most of the people out there reading this, but I really honestly don’t want to mow my lawn. I actually, truly like it just the way it is. If I don’t mow it though, everyone else sees it as unkempt, and that saddens me. I don’t want to feel like a slob.

So here is my request for the day. You hard working, lawn loving fanatics out there, can we just shake hands and be friends? I’ll ooOOoo and Ahhhh over how nice your shrubberies are cut and how fresh and green your lawn is, and all you have to reply is, “Geeze Dance, I love that natural touch your yard has.” That’s it. Then we can be friends.

And while you are at it, pay no attention to the fact that my Christmas tree still hasn’t been taken to the dump.

Wet Noodle Dance

So I’m not sure if I did the right thing. I went and got my children an X-box for Christmas.

You should know, we did not even have a TV for many years. I’m rather uncomfortable with the idiot box in general. It’s not so much that I can’t stand the degradation of common decency that is present on the thing, I do, but there is a deeper issue for me.

I have no attention span.

What this means is, if the TV is on, I can’t hear anyone speak to me, nor can I be a useful member of our household. If the TV is on, I am glued to it, period. I can hate the show, be angry at the commercials, wish that all the crap was taken off the air, and at the same time, I cannot hear my wife calling me in the kitchen. TV just doesn’t work for me.

While it certainly shows how brilliant all those producers and directors are out there at grabbing our attention, it has also been something I have had an aversion to for most of my life. We usually have a TV in the house, but it is primarily for movies. I can’t even remember the last time I actually watched a live TV show. But I digress.

We live in a very rainy climate, and that means we stay indoors for most of the winter. While this has made my daughters very good at knitting, it does not give them much exercise. Enter X-box Kinect. For those of you who don’t know, Kinect is a device you add to your game system that makes you able to control the game with your body instead of the hand held remote like thingy. If you want to race a car, you just act like you are holding the steering wheel, and it sees you and the game responds accordingly. Pretty darn neato really.

There is however a problem. Racing cars just doesn’t seem to excite my kids. No, they want to dance. So I said sure, let’s buy the dancing game.

What exactly was I thinking here?

There are two major problems here. One is content, and the other is the removal of my masculinity.

Ok, now I like to dance, I mean heck, my name is Dance, I can hardly get away with it. Clearly however, my idea of dancing is not relevant to this game. I don’t think I have ever tried to dance to such hits as “Right Thurr”, “Rude Boy” or “Turn Me On”.

Now, I will admit I am protective, but I have never tried to hide my kids from the evils of the world. We just let it pass, and then I talk it to death. (Effective strategy so far by the way, I think my kids have my voice rolling around in their heads permanently at this point.) Having it blasting on my TV speakers however is another matter. At first, this just made me uncomfortable, but at this point, we have made such fun of the songs that when they start up, we immediately start laughing. So yes, my daughters do know the words to “Baby Got Back”, but they also have a silly dance routine making fun of it. Give and take I suppose.

There is however another issue. I pretty much do everything with my kids, and so now, I am expected to jiggle my behind along with them.

Now, on a twelve year old, this is cute, but on a thirty five year old balding man, not so much. Every time my wife comes in the room she just starts laughing at me. Now I will admit, that is a standard response in my house, but this time it’s not because I look funny. Now it’s because I look like a wet dancing noodle.

X-box, you have stripped me of my masculinity. Now even my sister wants to come to visit just to watch the spectacle.

Barefoot

I realize my post yesterday was rather firm. While I cannot help but be serious, that is my nature, I can however choose a lighter topic for today. I want to talk about feet.

I bet when you read this title you thought i was going to use being barefoot as an analogy for some great spiritual topic. I am not.

God made us without shoes.

Seriously, he really did. I know this will come as a surprise for many of you. You have worn shoes since the day you were born, and they have become a staple for you. I am willing to bet you cannot even imagine going a day without them. I agree warm feet can be quite intoxicating, but I must say, I feel much better without them

Yes, if I had a choice, I would only wear them in the snow. I would walk around the department store barefoot, go to the mall barefoot, go out to eat barefoot, even go to Mass barefoot!

Let me hearken back, way, way back to the beginning of things. Adam and Eve were barefoot. It was a result of eating from the tree that God made clothes for them. While it is not explicit, I would say that God did not include shoes in his wardrobe choice. Why would he take so beautiful a creation as the foot, and then shield it from what it was made for, contact with the dirt?

Maybe you think I’m silly. Well let me show you! After Adam, God keeps an eye on things, giving language and making floods and such, but for most of history, he is a behind the scenes kind of guy. Then comes Moses.

“When the LORD saw that he had turned aside to look, God called out to him from the bush: Moses! Moses! He answered, “Here I am.”God said: Do not come near! Remove your sandals from your feet, for the place where you stand is holy ground. I am the God of your father, he continued, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob. Moses hid his face, for he was afraid to look at God.” Exodus 3:4-6

That’s right. Sandals were evil, and even not allowed in God’s presence. Okay, maybe it would have been clearer if he said, “Taketh those shoes of evil and cast them off thy feet!” but I think we can all agree that is clearly what he meant. Alright, no, he didn’t mean that, but still, shouldn’t we cast them off anyways, just in case?

Now I must handle some objections. First, hygiene. If I walked into a standard restaurant barefoot, I would be kicked out. Not because of any actual health violation, (there are no such health laws in any of our United States, county laws may vary) but because of a perceived health risk. What risk is this exactly? Spreading germs and disease? Maybe my bare feet are tracking in all sorts of nasty stuff, right?

 

So, when was the last time you washed the soles of your shoes? I wash my feet every day in the shower, so I would bet my entire fortune that the bottoms of my feet are far cleaner then the bottoms of your shoes. That is one of the reasons nurses and doctors have to wear foot coverings when they go into surgery. I hope my doctor is barefoot as well.

“Bare feet are less safe, you could stub your toe or something.” you say, but again, I think bare feet are far safer. With my feet uncovered, I watch every step I take. It’s when I put on shoes that I run around clod hopping with no attention. I have never stubbed my feet then they are bare, except around the house where I am running around not paying attention. But more then that, when your feet are flexing and bending the way they are supposed to, you would be amazed of the effect on the rest of your body.  When you walk barefoot, you naturally walk the way you are supposed to, on the balls of your feet, near your toes. No more jarring the bones in your legs = no more back pain. I’m serious, if your back hurts, start by taking off your shoes.

God doesn’t make junk. Feet were made for walking. Sure you may have to walk slow for a while, or wear light sandals or something while you get used to it, but I’m telling you, it’s worth it. They even make shoes now to try to emulate the barefoot walk. I don’t really like any of them, but for the sake of social compliance I wear them when I must.

 

 

Lord, I pray that you show me the day when everyone is using the feet you gave them the way you intended. (Especially my wife who just thinks I’m silly!)