Lawns are Stupid

It’s not so much that I hate grass, I am rather indifferent to grass in general. It is very pleasant for a green, living carpet if that’s your kind of thing.

What I truly dislike is yard work.

I know what you are thinking. “Nobody likes yard work Dance, it’s just what has to be done to make your house look nice.”

No. It does not “have to be done.” Lawns are stupid.

Now I’ll be the first to admit that I know people who actually like this sort of thing. Their idea of a great day is getting out there, planting flowers and shrubberies and messing around in the dirt with their fancy flower laced gloves. I respect that. I am also fully aware that there are plenty of people who actually enjoy the labor of cleaning up their land, felling trees and running tractors like farmer John. That’s fine, whatever floats your boat is fine by me.

Why does that need to imply that I must have my yard look tidy? So you care enough about your curb appeal to work on it, so what? I don’t. I’d rather go for a walk, or a hike or pick my nose or any other myriad of things. I don’t want to mow my lawn and trim my hedges. It’s not fun at all.

Here’s what is even more frustrating. I like my grass long. Very long. Waist high. When I was a kid, I used to love running through the open countryside through the tall grass. I love the smell of it, the critters scurrying underfoot, the way the wind plays across the field. I think it’s far prettier than your silly green carpets.

I like dandelions too. (Gasp!)

In fact, I don’t just think lawns are silly. I think they are stupid. They feel so industrial, all cut the exact same height. It’s like a desert of mutilated grass stalks. I bet they cry. Do you feel like butcher with green grass blood all over your shoes?

I know that this is silly to most of the people out there reading this, but I really honestly don’t want to mow my lawn. I actually, truly like it just the way it is. If I don’t mow it though, everyone else sees it as unkempt, and that saddens me. I don’t want to feel like a slob.

So here is my request for the day. You hard working, lawn loving fanatics out there, can we just shake hands and be friends? I’ll ooOOoo and Ahhhh over how nice your shrubberies are cut and how fresh and green your lawn is, and all you have to reply is, “Geeze Dance, I love that natural touch your yard has.” That’s it. Then we can be friends.

And while you are at it, pay no attention to the fact that my Christmas tree still hasn’t been taken to the dump.

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2 thoughts on “Lawns are Stupid”

  1. Lawn are so fucking stupid, you cut it, and then you have to cut it again. Plus, I have to arrange my schedules according to the f***ing temperature. Thank for the article. It’s so pointless.

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