10. You’ll look great. Okay, maybe not, but everything else will look better. Catholics are by nature sensual people, we are cool with things being pretty and smelling nice. We like statues, paintings, incense and good music. Even better, our churches usually reflect this, making Catholic churches some of the absolute best places to sit back, relax, and be in the presence of the almighty.
9. You don’t have to sing. Maybe you should, but nobody ever got mad at a Catholic for not singing.
8. You get to be married for life. It makes marriage way, way easier if you know you have no way out. Hmm, things are rough right now, what are my options? I could leave and be alone for the rest of my life, wishing I had somebody to snuggle with and laugh at my stupid jokes, or I could just figure this thing out and stick around. Not a tough choice.
7. You get to have lots of kids. These things are great at taking care of you when you get old. Not only that, but you can train them to do dishes and yard work. You get to sit back and relax while everything is taken care of. “I’m thirsty, go get me something cold out of the fridge!” Yup, I use that one everyday. Personal servants are awesome.
6. No matter where you are, you are home. Seriously, I can walk into any community in the world, say I’m Catholic, and they are like, “Oh, your friends are down on third street.” And they really are. Here I am in some strange town I’ve never been in before, and I just walk into the church like I own the place. Nobody stares at me, they are just, “Don’t mind him, he cool. He’s family.” Dang right I am. Chances are, if I open my mouth and talk to anyone, someone will take me out to lunch too. Sweet.
5. Our clergy have some seriously funky style. Oh yea, where else can a grown man wear a big pink cloak over his head and pull it off? Oh, they’ll call it a ‘chasuble’, or some other fancy Catholic word, but yea, it is a fancy embroidered poncho. He looks good in it too. Not only that, but the whole place changes color all the time, and the clergy can even accessorize, picking out matching clothes. It just looks good.
4. You can tell the priest just about anything, and he can’t tell anybody else. I don’t know about you, but I do some pretty dumb stuff. It’s nice to get that off my chest without broadcasting it to the world.
3. You get to be older than everybody else. I can’t tell you how many times someone has come up with some great idea, only to have me say, “Oh yea, we have been dying to protect that for about 2000 years.” Sorry, that never gets old. It gets even better when it’s an old heresy, but they think it’s a new idea.
2. We have a pope. Seriously, who could be cooler than the pope? I mean we call him “Your Holiness”! I don’t know about you, but that is a pretty darn cool way to say hello. Not only that, but the guy is always in white. All white just makes you look good. I wore a white tux to my prom in high school. It didn’t look as good on me as it does on the pope. The best thing is, he always has a cool name. JPII. Pius. Benedict. Man, I’m changing my name to Maximus or something.
1. Christ is here. Seriously, I mean right here. Christ stands at the center of every Catholic church both spiritually and physically. God is here, just chillin, waiting for you to stop by and say hello. All levity aside, that is seriously the single best reason to stick around. Where Christ is, that’s where I want to be.